My 2012.

So first of all: Merry christmas! Secondly, this'll probably be my last blogspot of 2012, I thought I'd reflect a bit on my year.

I have to say that this year has definitely been the best of my life. I mean, the world didn't end! Hurray! But seriously, I've had my downs and fights and break ups and crying sessions, yet all of it has definitely strengthened me and put me to the test and has let me show the whole world how strong I can be.

Here are my highlights:

1. Reading Festival - August Bank Holiday
2. Whitgift SNAP Charity volunteering - first week of August
1. I learnt so much there and I met so many amazing young people and volunteers who'll definitely be my friends for life. I am definitely doing it again next year.
3. The Challenge - Weeks 1-3 throughout July
1. It was just amazing. Met so many amazing people. I love them all.
4. New York - Mid-June
1. I have no words. Fantastic experience. I definitely know where I want to be in 10 years.
5. My Birthday Pardy - late June
1. Just a really nice time with all the people closest to me at the time
6. My GCSE Drama dress rehearsal performance - April
1. The thrill I got was electrifying. My best friend also turned up and bought me flowers. 
7. GCSE results day / first day of reading - August
1. Some of my results made me cry with happiness. I was so thrilled at some of it. At reading we celebrated by drinking and getting high. It was just a brilliant day.
8. When I finished reading "The Fault in our Stars" - April
9. Valentines Day - February
1. So we may not be going out anymore but he's still my best friend now and it was just a really nice day out 
10. Potterthon - August
1. I literally spent my night with three boys watching all the Harry potter movies! Crazy, totally not worth it but I got to bond with the guys I didn't know so well and now I'd consider all three of them to be excellent friends of mine
11. GCSE Study leave spent in Croydon Library - May until June
1. I don't know why. It was just a highlight. I saw loads of my friends and I got hardcore revision done!
12. End of Year celebration at Old Whits - June
1. one of the best nights of my life. Me and the girls dancing all night.
13. Last year new year's eve - January
1. I got a New Year's kiss. I went into the new year with all my friends. It was a brilliant start to a brilliant year.

Of course theres been parties, gatherings, days out, gigs, theatre trips and intimate moments with others. Without them, my year wouldn't nearly have been as good as it was. So, though I know hardly any of them will see this, I just want to say thank you to all the people who have made this year unbelievable. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

So I watched this movie earlier. Alone. As I usually am. Baring in mind I have never read the book.

I found it emotionally heart wrenching. From the first monologue, including the line "I'm sad and happy at the same time, and I'm trying to find out why". I feel like the plot took me through most of the emotional challenges I've had to face while being a godforesaken teen in the 21st century. I also feel like I'd have hated to be in his position. Your only friends being your English teacher and a few kids who are 3 years older than you, each holding more experience in life than you'll ever feel whilst you remain friends with them. It must've been emotionally shit.

It also helped me put my life into perspective. Those moments he talked about, they're present. They're happening right now. And you've got to hold on to them or you'll never be happy. I feel as If I take some moments for granted. For instance, when I was at reading festival. Sweet Jesus that was the best weekend of my life and I just wish I had held on to those moments a tiny bit more. Just to saver them.

It also got me thinking about my infinite moment. It had to have been at reading. It was at the main stage and it was chucking down with rain. Florence and the machine were on stage playing the song "shake it out". I sat on the shoulders of a guy who I had became friends with the day before. And I was just in the air, looking over thousands of heads at the band and getting soaked in rain and screaming the lyrics and just feeling the rain on my skin. I felt so. Fucking. Infinite.

a not particularly unbiased piece of writing...

He was a dickhead. He knew it, she knew it, their friends knew it. She didn't know how it happened. She didn't realise that those last few days were crucial that her comment "she's probably still in love with you" would mean more than she thought it would. She didn't know that the other woman was still in love with him. She didn't, and couldn't know that he was still in love with her.

Two days later and the new couple broadcast themselves to the rest of the world. What does the world think of it? Idiotic. Spontaneous. Confusing. Dick-move. She, on the other hand, got angry.

A day before she told him she wanted him to be with her. So the break up wouldn't be in vain, she said.  Little did she know that the boy she fell head over heels for had dismissed her feelings as soon as he dumped her sorry butt.

When she saw the pictures of the other woman in his clothes, she though "Oh. She probably didn't have a spare change of clothes. That's why."

When she saw the tweet of them cuddling up in bed, a new rage formed within her. Something she had never felt before. Fire and loathing spat at her stomach. The butterflies she once knew, disintegrated. All that was left was a black heart touched by Jack Frost. Her hands started to shake. She could feel emotion behind her eyes but they would not droop in sadness, or allow a tear to fall. No. They would torment her with flash backs of "i love you"s and "forever"s and promises broken before they were made.

Though she was not angry at him, she was angry at the world. Herself, for telling her heart that he could be 'the one'. Her friends, for not warning her he has broken hearts in the past and would continue to do so. Her mother, who didn't think to express her true dislike of him before. Society, for telling her to get comfortable now, as there are more troubling times ahead. No. No one bothered to tell her to steer clear. That he was trouble. No one seemed to care at the beginning.

Though no one realises; beginning signifies the inevitable end.

rage.

I hate her.

I hate her stupid face. Her squinty judgemental eyes, piercing into your soul and burning it with her foul coloured contact lenses. Her trashy tongue piercing. Her medusa-like hair cut. Her shit bone structure and her over use of make up.

Well her face may as well resemble a pile of literal crap. Her eyes will turn everyone against her, her piercing will get infected, her hair will repel men, she'll never have beautiful children and she'll have fucking shit skin. Good. She fucking deserves it.

Home.

Have you ever gone on holiday, arrived in the city and felt like you're home?

You're a million miles away from your real home. You've never even set foot in the country and all of a sudden you feel this overpowering sense of welcome and comfort and peace of mind. You breathe in the air like you own it. You look around you admiring the scenery but somehow knowing it all like the back of your hand. You walk down the streets and everybody seems to smile at you. It's sort of like a "welcome home" smile. You accidentally bump into someone. They say it's totally their fault. Then they hear your accent and stop to talk to you for a while like an old friends would catch up.

This has always been pressing on my mind ever since I came back from New York. I know it's dreadfully cliche but I felt such a beautiful sense of belonging there it was ridiculous. The people I met didn't even recognise me as a tourist half the time. I've never felt such belonging before in my life.

I knew as soon as I stepped out of that taxi and looked around my manhattan surroundings that I was going to come back and live my best years here. It's a promise I'm going to hold to myself.

The Grand-Guignol

For those of you who don't know, my brother is a theatre student at Kent University hoping to become a playwright.

He recently wrote and directed a series of horrors which I decided to do my first article of the academic year on. Enjoy!

CLICK ME FOR FREE CAKE

Sweet longing in your absence

It would appear as if everything I pray would never happen has now coming to pass. From dawn 'til dusk for seven bog-standard days, I would go about my daily routine. During this time you would be living seven enthralling days as you kick-start your new life. One filled with laughter, intellect and the love of another. A year ago I would have solemnly felt as if I could not go one of these normal days without experiencing: a) the sound of your voice; b) the touch of your lips or; c) your soothing words of "everything is going to be okay" and "we'll get through it together".

These words would last a day or two, and in return I'd turn to God to beg for you not to leave and to beg for those words once more and for your heart to remain open. Though I knew my prayers were short lived, I never expected them to have the life expectancy of a gerbil.

Now throughout these seven days I would wake up, stretch, and look to the empty space in my life where you used to stand. Following, I would walk through my day making minor errors in your absence, feeling a sense of joy in the company of others but most of all keeping my eye on that space. It's a humorous serendipity, yet it brings me to tears all the same. And it's sad to think that someone who promised never to leave did just that, Isn't it? Without a goodbye or a warm embrace, this winter, I will experience a more bitter taste.







lalala there you go.