My 2012.

So first of all: Merry christmas! Secondly, this'll probably be my last blogspot of 2012, I thought I'd reflect a bit on my year.

I have to say that this year has definitely been the best of my life. I mean, the world didn't end! Hurray! But seriously, I've had my downs and fights and break ups and crying sessions, yet all of it has definitely strengthened me and put me to the test and has let me show the whole world how strong I can be.

Here are my highlights:

1. Reading Festival - August Bank Holiday
2. Whitgift SNAP Charity volunteering - first week of August
1. I learnt so much there and I met so many amazing young people and volunteers who'll definitely be my friends for life. I am definitely doing it again next year.
3. The Challenge - Weeks 1-3 throughout July
1. It was just amazing. Met so many amazing people. I love them all.
4. New York - Mid-June
1. I have no words. Fantastic experience. I definitely know where I want to be in 10 years.
5. My Birthday Pardy - late June
1. Just a really nice time with all the people closest to me at the time
6. My GCSE Drama dress rehearsal performance - April
1. The thrill I got was electrifying. My best friend also turned up and bought me flowers. 
7. GCSE results day / first day of reading - August
1. Some of my results made me cry with happiness. I was so thrilled at some of it. At reading we celebrated by drinking and getting high. It was just a brilliant day.
8. When I finished reading "The Fault in our Stars" - April
9. Valentines Day - February
1. So we may not be going out anymore but he's still my best friend now and it was just a really nice day out 
10. Potterthon - August
1. I literally spent my night with three boys watching all the Harry potter movies! Crazy, totally not worth it but I got to bond with the guys I didn't know so well and now I'd consider all three of them to be excellent friends of mine
11. GCSE Study leave spent in Croydon Library - May until June
1. I don't know why. It was just a highlight. I saw loads of my friends and I got hardcore revision done!
12. End of Year celebration at Old Whits - June
1. one of the best nights of my life. Me and the girls dancing all night.
13. Last year new year's eve - January
1. I got a New Year's kiss. I went into the new year with all my friends. It was a brilliant start to a brilliant year.

Of course theres been parties, gatherings, days out, gigs, theatre trips and intimate moments with others. Without them, my year wouldn't nearly have been as good as it was. So, though I know hardly any of them will see this, I just want to say thank you to all the people who have made this year unbelievable. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

So I watched this movie earlier. Alone. As I usually am. Baring in mind I have never read the book.

I found it emotionally heart wrenching. From the first monologue, including the line "I'm sad and happy at the same time, and I'm trying to find out why". I feel like the plot took me through most of the emotional challenges I've had to face while being a godforesaken teen in the 21st century. I also feel like I'd have hated to be in his position. Your only friends being your English teacher and a few kids who are 3 years older than you, each holding more experience in life than you'll ever feel whilst you remain friends with them. It must've been emotionally shit.

It also helped me put my life into perspective. Those moments he talked about, they're present. They're happening right now. And you've got to hold on to them or you'll never be happy. I feel as If I take some moments for granted. For instance, when I was at reading festival. Sweet Jesus that was the best weekend of my life and I just wish I had held on to those moments a tiny bit more. Just to saver them.

It also got me thinking about my infinite moment. It had to have been at reading. It was at the main stage and it was chucking down with rain. Florence and the machine were on stage playing the song "shake it out". I sat on the shoulders of a guy who I had became friends with the day before. And I was just in the air, looking over thousands of heads at the band and getting soaked in rain and screaming the lyrics and just feeling the rain on my skin. I felt so. Fucking. Infinite.

a not particularly unbiased piece of writing...

He was a dickhead. He knew it, she knew it, their friends knew it. She didn't know how it happened. She didn't realise that those last few days were crucial that her comment "she's probably still in love with you" would mean more than she thought it would. She didn't know that the other woman was still in love with him. She didn't, and couldn't know that he was still in love with her.

Two days later and the new couple broadcast themselves to the rest of the world. What does the world think of it? Idiotic. Spontaneous. Confusing. Dick-move. She, on the other hand, got angry.

A day before she told him she wanted him to be with her. So the break up wouldn't be in vain, she said.  Little did she know that the boy she fell head over heels for had dismissed her feelings as soon as he dumped her sorry butt.

When she saw the pictures of the other woman in his clothes, she though "Oh. She probably didn't have a spare change of clothes. That's why."

When she saw the tweet of them cuddling up in bed, a new rage formed within her. Something she had never felt before. Fire and loathing spat at her stomach. The butterflies she once knew, disintegrated. All that was left was a black heart touched by Jack Frost. Her hands started to shake. She could feel emotion behind her eyes but they would not droop in sadness, or allow a tear to fall. No. They would torment her with flash backs of "i love you"s and "forever"s and promises broken before they were made.

Though she was not angry at him, she was angry at the world. Herself, for telling her heart that he could be 'the one'. Her friends, for not warning her he has broken hearts in the past and would continue to do so. Her mother, who didn't think to express her true dislike of him before. Society, for telling her to get comfortable now, as there are more troubling times ahead. No. No one bothered to tell her to steer clear. That he was trouble. No one seemed to care at the beginning.

Though no one realises; beginning signifies the inevitable end.

rage.

I hate her.

I hate her stupid face. Her squinty judgemental eyes, piercing into your soul and burning it with her foul coloured contact lenses. Her trashy tongue piercing. Her medusa-like hair cut. Her shit bone structure and her over use of make up.

Well her face may as well resemble a pile of literal crap. Her eyes will turn everyone against her, her piercing will get infected, her hair will repel men, she'll never have beautiful children and she'll have fucking shit skin. Good. She fucking deserves it.

Home.

Have you ever gone on holiday, arrived in the city and felt like you're home?

You're a million miles away from your real home. You've never even set foot in the country and all of a sudden you feel this overpowering sense of welcome and comfort and peace of mind. You breathe in the air like you own it. You look around you admiring the scenery but somehow knowing it all like the back of your hand. You walk down the streets and everybody seems to smile at you. It's sort of like a "welcome home" smile. You accidentally bump into someone. They say it's totally their fault. Then they hear your accent and stop to talk to you for a while like an old friends would catch up.

This has always been pressing on my mind ever since I came back from New York. I know it's dreadfully cliche but I felt such a beautiful sense of belonging there it was ridiculous. The people I met didn't even recognise me as a tourist half the time. I've never felt such belonging before in my life.

I knew as soon as I stepped out of that taxi and looked around my manhattan surroundings that I was going to come back and live my best years here. It's a promise I'm going to hold to myself.

The Grand-Guignol

For those of you who don't know, my brother is a theatre student at Kent University hoping to become a playwright.

He recently wrote and directed a series of horrors which I decided to do my first article of the academic year on. Enjoy!

CLICK ME FOR FREE CAKE

Sweet longing in your absence

It would appear as if everything I pray would never happen has now coming to pass. From dawn 'til dusk for seven bog-standard days, I would go about my daily routine. During this time you would be living seven enthralling days as you kick-start your new life. One filled with laughter, intellect and the love of another. A year ago I would have solemnly felt as if I could not go one of these normal days without experiencing: a) the sound of your voice; b) the touch of your lips or; c) your soothing words of "everything is going to be okay" and "we'll get through it together".

These words would last a day or two, and in return I'd turn to God to beg for you not to leave and to beg for those words once more and for your heart to remain open. Though I knew my prayers were short lived, I never expected them to have the life expectancy of a gerbil.

Now throughout these seven days I would wake up, stretch, and look to the empty space in my life where you used to stand. Following, I would walk through my day making minor errors in your absence, feeling a sense of joy in the company of others but most of all keeping my eye on that space. It's a humorous serendipity, yet it brings me to tears all the same. And it's sad to think that someone who promised never to leave did just that, Isn't it? Without a goodbye or a warm embrace, this winter, I will experience a more bitter taste.







lalala there you go. 

The sun gives me writers block

I do hope you're all having a delicious summer break! Unfortunately, I've been so busy these past few months with exams, charity work, holidays and projects that I haven't had time to do much.. well.. any writing at all.

However, all is not lost. I should be back to routine as soon as things start to calm down. It' results day next week and then I'm off to reading festival so i'm praying for excellent results to make the weekend worth the party.

I'd like to take this moment to say congratulations to everyone who got into their desired unis and/or got the grades they wanted at AS or A-level. I'm sure you all worked mega hard, you deserve them! As for me, I still have the wait, though i'm racking my brains wondering what I got. Fingers crossed for those A*s!

Until then.

Bon Voyage!

Hey guys, as I speak i'm in a car on my way to the airport. Why? I'm going to new york for five days!! I'm so excited with all my gcses over I can start my summer with a bang. I won't be posting anywhere for a while unless I get wifi. When I get back I should be doing a blogspot on my time in the big apple but for now just hold on, I'll be back soon!

Thank you!

Hey guyss thank you for all your birthday tweets, Facebook messages, instagrams, texts and tumblr inboxes. I really appreciate it and I've had an amazing birthday thanks to the people I spent it with including Camille, Michael, Matheus and Dougie!

Looking back on my time in high school..

If I give any piece of advice to my followers on tumblr/twitter/blogspot it is to live in the moment.

You hear it a billion times from dozens of people but it's so damn true. Tell that guy you like him. Ask that girl to a romantic date. Stand up to that bully. Buy that top you've been wanting for weeks. FUCKING KISS HIM! If I regret anything from my hormonal teens thus far, it would be not taking the chances I should've done. There will always be "what If"s, so the one thing I have to say to you is to true to reduce the amount of them you have. Once you break down the walls you put up between yourself and going for what you want, you're so much happier.

We all have dreams. If you really want to go for them, be ruthless and spontaneous. The rest will follow.

We taught the world new days to dream...

Today I'm going to waffle on about a song I love. By a singer I adore. Covered by an actor whom I am not worth of saying his name... Chris Colfer.

I can't simply put that I love this song. I adore this song. It is the definition of perfection. Ryan Murphy is an absolute genius for recognise Chris Colfer's talent and potential and giving him this song for him to grace us with.

What I love the most is the meaning behind the song. Usually, in life, people live by "don't look back, always look to the future" but what's wrong with some nostalgia? This song is about taking something so sentimental or going back to something so close to you and returning to that, and feelings as if.. well "We never said goodbye". But the song also portrays a certain theme of taking something already amazing and making it phenominal. And I think that's what Colfer did with the song. The emotion he puts behind every word, every note just connects with the heart.

I'll post the lyrics below so you can get a full understanding of them and hopefully love them as much as I do.

Good luck to everybody who has exams coming up! Whilst I'll be indulged in my own I'll try to get a post on here.

I dont know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here
Yes, a world to rediscover,
But I'm not in any hurry,
And I need a moment.

The whispered conversations
In overcrowded hallways.
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always.
Feel the early morning madness,
Feel the magic in the making,
Why, everythings as if we never said goodbye.

I've spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you.
I'm trembling now, you cant know how I've missed you.
Missed the fairy tale adventures
In this ever spinning playground.
We were young together.

I'm coming out of makeup,
The lights already burning.
Not long until the cameras will start turning.
And the early morning madness,
And the magic in the making,
Yes, everythings as if we never said goodbye.

I dont want to be alone,
That's all in the past.
This world's waited long enough,
I've come home at last.

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it.
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it.
Could I stop my hand from shaking,
Has there ever been a moment
With so much to live for?

The whispered conversations
In overcrowded hallways.
So much to say, not just today, but always.
We'll have early morning madness,
We'll have magic in the making,
Yes, everythings as if we never said goodbye.

We taught the world new ways to dream.

Schools in my area are trying to fuck me over.

So I have a week and a half to decide where I'm going to spend the next two years of my academic life and it seems like I'm getting mixed signals from all around.

My Current School: STAY WITH US. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. WE'LL GIVE YOU MONEY. WE'LL GIVE YOU SCHOLARSHIPS, WE'LL OFFER THINGS WE'VE NEVER OFFERED BEFORE!

Catholic School 1: Join us. We'll offer you so much more than you could get at your current school. If you join us we will give you freedom, new friends and an amazing catholic education!

Catholic School 2: We'd like you to come, but you don't have to. I mean like, we're not going to chase you for a place.. We'd just think it'd be cool if you came.. Just sayin'.

Grammar School: You're too dumb.

Private School: You're too dumb.

State School: CONGRATULATIONS YOU GOT IN! OMG WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR YOU! But we're not that keen. We're just pleased. And we're going to send you all this paper work with no deadline because we assume you'll join us anyway without consideration. Love us?

College: We're not offering you a place.. but we'd reaallllyy like to have you. It's just because we're so popular... I hope you understand.. but just wait another 4 months and we MIIGHT have a place for you.. probably not.. but maybe.. but, we doubt it.. sorry. But don't get your hopes down, we'll keep writing to you.. we love you.. maybe.. we're not too sure ourselves...

So I've had an epiphany:

After recent events I was getting sympathy and advice from one of my best friends, and he told me to look at the situation as a positive and to think of all the negatives about it, and turn them into positives.

With this in mind, I plan to do so, by writing down a positive as a list on my phone and separately on tumblr. In a month's time, I plan to publish all my positives on here to remind myself and all of you that some lessons in life, you just have to bare. But that doesn't mean you can't have fun with them.

This has no title.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a slight confession to make.

In the absence of blogspots I have tried to write at least 14 different topics to post but none of them sound even closely appealing. 

I want to talk about current events which have happened to me but I don't think other people involved will like that; I want to discus bands I've become head over heels OBSESSED with but none of you really care about that stuff; I want to analyse some lyrics but none of you care. But what I've really wanted to do for MONTHS is publicly talk about my feelings. Yet I can't, because there's all the kids from my school and my town who read this and will probably think I smoke pot if I even attempted to explain what goes through my head most days.

So instead, I thought I'd leave you with a few tunes which I've related to recently, which I've always been able to relate to, which I've been able to just break out in song and dance to and yeah. I hope you enjoy, I definitely recommend each and every one of these songs.

Bones - Lewis Watson

Gonna get over - Sara Bareilles

Forget about it - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low

Superman - Taylor Swift

Call me maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen (I will accept no hate for this song, it's absolutely amazing and has got me through so much)

Always Attract - You Me At Six

If this was a movie - Taylor Swift

Happy Easter!

stichomythia of the heart..

(literally just wrote this. I'm in a crap mood and we all know crap moods = passages of my own love story reportorial I keep in my head. what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. Warning: not my best work at all.)


The thick, matted hair and tempting eyes were the things that got me. She had me at hello.

Though I was no stranger to love, this felt different. She was a timid teen just turned fifteen years young. She was the temptress queen whom stole my heart the minute I walked into the room. My, that was a walk to remember. She sat with her back towards me, glancing and laughing theoretically at two of her companions. After she noticed the attention I received from her posse she swivelled and stared.

Our eyes met and locked.

After what seemed like an eternity, she stood and smiled. There was no need for an introduction; we knew each other, barely.

So that was our first moment. That stare gave birth to a course of events which shook my life at the foundations calling everyone to take cover. We were wild, passionate and hopeless.

I had shared a love before but none like this. I said it too early. It caused a ripple of uncertainty within herself. You've blown it jones.

As quickly as she said it, she snatched it back like stichomythia of the heart. I no longer held her heart, though she said she still felt the same I knew better. For to believe love can still exist without the word is mere ignorance.

Our love was fed by health.

(Something I decided to write tonight as it take my mind off bad stuff)

It’s wonderfully beautiful how much I need you right now.

3.42 am. Precisely. I pace the area of my room, avoiding the door but subconsciously glancing at it each time I walk past. My brain is crammed with the knowledge that I am going to die as soon as I stop pacing. With this in mind, I speed up. As I do, my train of thought trickles back to memories of you and I.

Once upon a time doesn’t seem that long ago now I think about it. You would be my alarm clock and ring me at whatever time I needed to be up for the next day. “Good morning sweetheart! Guess what? Today is going to be a good day! How do I know? Just trust me.” And I did. “I love you!” I’d hang up the phone every morning with a secluded smile on my face and a self satisfied spring in my step. You bought an electrifying light into my dark epitome of self-loathing and a sunset on a horizon of hope in my sea of troubles and woes. Woe is me now.

Our best memory comes flooding back in a tidal wave fashion; and there it was as clear as day. It was never too cramped there, but it was cosy. We’d sit there for days on end watching the whole world pass by and not a soul would know of our conclusively profound existence. We’d pick and choose people whom we supposed have the best of it all, but I should have grasped that it was you all along.

But it all went wrong. I got sick and you got tired. I grew weaker as you learned how to be strong. I was obsessed whilst you were out cheating. Then it ended. It was a painful end, the kind of pain that strikes hard and lingers until all sight of the wound disappeared. You were gone within two months of my hospitalised state. You broke my heart, literally.

I begin to slow my pace. What’s the point? You’ll never come back, and my life support will be cut short in a matter of minutes.

Many assume that being in comatose means I cannot hear anything. However the only metaphor here was my slowing pace has I came to a halt. I could feel my brain turn off, cell by cell. As my last thoughts linger, I knew you and I were too good to be true.

My article on the Kony 2012 movement.

http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/yoursay/schools/9583170.KONY_2012/

The email I sent to John Green,

So, John Green doesn't reply to emails. I wrote this, knowing I'd never get an answer but apparently he reads through all of his fan mail so, as you can probably guess, there is a theme of hope that he may, one day, reply to this. John, If you're reading this, please reply.


Dear Mr Green,

My name is Jessica Hinds, I'm fifteen going on sixteen and I'm from Croydon, South London, England, The United Kingdom, Europe, The World, Our Solar System, The Milky Way, Our Universe. Hello.

Before I go into any in-depth details, I must stress that I have only read two and a half of your books (looking for Alaska, Paper Towns and I'm currently reading The Fault in Our Stars). Now here comes the fangirl bit: 

I think I'm in love with you. As a writer. I absolutely love the way you write, the way your characters connect emotionally with the reader, the symbolism in your books (whether this be consciously or subconsciously) and I adore everything about your books I've read thus far. It is, therefore, abundantly obvious that you are my favourite author. 

I do read a lot of books. For christmas, I received roughly fifteen books in total and I put them all on hold for yours. 

Though I read on your website that you never reply to emails, I felt a strong need to send this. Nether the less, in hope that you will one day, come across it in your spam or junk folder and stumble upon my ever so slightly creepy fan-talk. By side effect of reading "The Fault in our Stars" in so much depth and alternating between laughing and crying at such velocity I can't bare it, I thought I'd take a leaf out of Hazel's book (literally) and contact the author of (thus far) one of my all time favourite books after just bypassing chapter 10 barely a few minutes ago.

Since you probably do get a lot of emails about this stuff, I'm not expecting a reply but I'd still like to ask you a few questions over TFIOS, Paper Towns and Looking for Alaska.

1) In The Fault in our Stars, is there actual symbolism behind Augustus' last name being "Waters" (as it seems water is the element damaging Hazel), "Wish" having a capital "W" even in mid sentence? And does the line "I never saw the swing set again" kick start a new emotional journey for Hazel? (SInce I have not finished the look, I do realise I may need to in order to analyse it in full depth. I am a keen English student so I do enjoy this process after finishing a book.)

2) May I just take the opportunity to congratulate you on the achievement in forcing me to absolutely despise Margo in "Paper Towns", whilst also except what she wants to do with her life and also feel a massive loss in the inner depths of my soul from removing my super glued fingers from the book. May I also question why and how you have done this? Also, what happens to Margo? Does she go to University after the Summer? Does she forget about Florida completely? What happens to Margo and Quentin as a couple? Do they get married? DO they remain just friends? I NEED ANSWERS!

3) Finally, Looking for Alaska. The first book that made me actually, feel. I am, as a matter of fact, a huge fan of Harry Potter but even those books never moved me like Looking for Alaska did. I admire how you made me, as a reader, feel a personal loss. For instance, the chapter of Alaska's funeral, I honestly felt like I was there. In  a way, when Alaska passed away, so did  my innocence. I never knew my Mum's parents when they died ( as I was only three years old) and it felt like Alaska was one of my best friends. With these two factors working together, I felt such despair when she died. Honestly and truthfully, I felt as if I had lost somebody in real life. I read the book from 6pm til 5am on a Monday night and since I read the last few words, I've always wanted to ask you: How did you do that? How did you create such a character in which I could easily build an emotional attachment to and then create such a loss I simply could not bare. 

To conclude my, almost essay like, emotional retelling of my feelings towards your books, I'd just like to add that your reference to Shakespeare in TFIOS was, to me, mind blowing and you are an actual genius. As a long-term Shakespeare fanatic, it just goes to show that you can easily incorporate classic moments in literature history in a modern tale. Thank you for stealing away my precious GCSE studying hours with your fabulously amazingly wonderful novels.

Yours forever faithfully as a truly undying fan,
Jessica Hinds

The Prologue.

I'm writing a short story. It'll probably only end up about a few pages long when typed. I have this idea but I'm not sure if it's good or not. I decided to write a prologue and see how it goes down here. Comments would be helpful!

He loved Journey.  Especially the song "Don't stop believing". Considering he was indeed a city boy, not necessarily born and raised in south Detroit, he felt he could relate to the song. He prayed the midnight train would come for him that night but the street stayed silent from the hours of 2am until 7am.

He didn't usually get sleep on Friday nights. He'd prefer to be out and about with friends, needless to say, if he had any. But he wasn't too hung up on this. Over the years he adapted to the loneliness. In his first year of high school he worked out a method to craftily avoid every fifth year bully before break time. He managed to achieve this everyday throughout his first year and was proud of this, until break time came. Every day. 

Nobody knew why he was continuously bullied, his mother was baffled when on the first day of school, he came home with a black eye. Yet as time went on, she grew almost accustomed to these marks. After visiting the head more than five times, she gave up. 

I believe you should never give up on somebody as that's when it all starts to go wrong. As soon as his mother stopped noticing the bruises, she stopped noticing the cuts, the burns and the fear in her little boy's eyes each morning which was too painful to  acknowledge, let alone to look at. I suppose the next time she noticed him was when he was diagnosed. She couldn't stand it. Having to look at her boy, her broken boy, and seeing horror. 

She took her life in 1998. It was a beautiful March day. She chose her time well.

*

Since the age of thirteen, she was doomed to roam the earth as "Buchwald's very own CRAZY CAT LADY". So you can probably assume from this information that she had a lot of cats. Incorrect, she had one, and he was her best friend. Cats always appealed to her more than dogs. Maybe because cats don't question ones authority or ones judgement. Cats are just as intellectual as dogs, and they live longer. Bonus!

Don't get me wrong, she had many friends at school. She was even considered "popular" until her third year of high school when a picture of her kissing her best friend was televised around the entire school. Since then she never found solace in real people. To her, humans were unreliable, judgemental and could easily be compared to the Barbie and Ken dolls she possessed at the age of six. 

Of course, when she turned sixteen, her best friend died. That's when she lost faith in God, humanity and her life. A single cat may not seem like a big deal, but compare that one cat to your own best friend. Feline or human, a friend is a friend; and after being put through a loss such as this one, she became clinically depressed.

Her medication never helped, but it kept her numb. And she was satisfied with this.

He rolled out of the wrong side of the bed and glared at his New Kids on the Block alarm clock. Seven am and he hadn't had a wink of sleep. As per usual he hadn't managed to fall asleep from being tortured by his thoughts. These usually revolved around his late mother, his treatment, his non-existent father and Journey chords he had learnt on the piano hours previously...

She sat on the edge of the bathtub and stared at the orange cylindrical case containing twenty-two or so black and white pills. Ironic, she thought, As depression is usually associated with seeing a black and white society. Nether the less, after starring longingly at the prescribed box, she tucked them neatly into her pocket. She wanted a new start. Who could blame her...

...But today was a special day, for  today was the day he'd meet the girl who changed everything.

...She'd be starting university today and had no idea who God had installed to save her.

His name was Anthony and her name was Eliza.

Their life at Servo University for academic excellence had just begun.